Men seem to find me funny. I’ve got a good (online?) personality and I seem to often take them by surprise. Or so they say.
But inevitably, at some point, they begin to describe me as cute. Or sweet. Or adorable. This *seems* to be the equivalent of a woman telling a man that he’s nice. It’s the kiss of death.
When we are looking for a romantic partner we are so often looking (if unconsciously) for raw attraction. We equate this feeling with “love” because of the power that it holds. And a cute, sweet, adorable woman doesn’t inspire raw attraction.
But that’s ok with me.
I just read a really interesting article “Should You Seek Chemistry or Compatibility in Your Love?” that contends that we should seek compatibility over chemistry. In fact “according to research cited in [Tashiro’s] book, lust declines at a rate of 8 percent per year of marriage, while liking declines at a rate of 3 percent”. So the lust will die off faster than the like.
(Although I did wonder if that 8% adjusted for the natural fall off of lust that my friends all describe after having had kids? )
Regardless. As important as sex is (and don’t get me wrong – it’s critical) I would rather find someone who I want to spend Sunday afternoon bowling with. The other stuff needs to be there but it won’t last long if you don’t genuinely like and enjoy one another.
So this cute, adorable, sweet woman will keep her status (even if I find it vaguely creepy and paternalistic). Even if it’s the kiss of death to my dating life. 🙂
You watch Garfunkel and Oates, right? If not, you totally should. Well, you totally should if you have my sense of humour (my family – that’s you).
Anyways. I’ve been feeling pretty satisfied with my single status. I have a great career, home, friends, family. I had hummus and crackers for dinner and no one asked where the meat was. I can pull clothes out of the laundry hamper and they still smell good. Life is pretty darn great.
Online dating may be the least successful thing that I’ve ever done but at least it’s fodder for dinner parties. I’m never without funny stories anymore.
But then I saw this video by these two awesome women (warning, contains a lot of profanity)…
I’m 29. And, I’m not gonna lie, I’m feeling pretty much like 29 from the video. Life is good. It’s awesome. It’s gonna happen, there’s no rush.
Today a 59-year-old man on OkCupid offered to “train me as his submissive”. I wish that I could say this was the first (heck, even the second!) such offer but alas it is around the fifteenth.
I was just about to hit the delete button when the pissed off (and stupid) part of my brain took over the keys. I responded to his (kind and generous) offer with: “What is it about my pictures that make men want to train me? It’s not my thing. :)”. I added the smiley face so that the rejection didn’t sting so much, haha.
His response? “I don’t know about other men but your pictures make me want to [insert incredibly disgusting sexual suggestion here]”.
I should *never* engage with these people and I keep forgetting that! I deleted the messages and moved on with my day. But it really made me wonder… what the heck is it about me? Some possibilities that keep floating through my mind…
These guys are just sending this out to everyone that they possibly can, hoping to strike gold.
I’m an over-weight nearly 30-year-old woman and maybe they are hoping that I am just *that* desperate.
Do I look like a submissive? And what the hell does a submissive look like?!
I mean, all power to you in your alternative lifestyle. Seriously, enjoy. But… why is it what people lead with? What happened to meeting for coffee? Or dinner? Or drinks? I know I’ve never dated before… but that’s what dating looks like in the movies… so that’s how it’s supposed to be… right?
A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with a man on match. Successful, funny, kind. He seemed great. Just as we were getting to the planning of a meeting he informed me that he was looking for a woman who would go out on weekends, sleep with other men, and then come home to tell him about it.
This whole dating thing started innocently enough. C and I decided to have an evening of wine, pub food… and more wine. We were at the pub (and a bottle of wine into our evening) when the subject of Tinder came up. I had just watched a hilarious Conan O’Brian video spoofing Tinder and I wondered if C had ever heard about it. She assured me that her single friends loved Tinder and the next thing I knew I was downloading the app as we ate our burgers. It was time to get into the dating scene and Tinder was the modern way to do it!
If I’m honest I had never dated previous to this moment and perhaps Tinder was a bit ambitious for someone completely new to the dating scene. Or perhaps it was the perfect introduction. But the app downloaded, I allowed it to import my Facebook photos (big mistake!) and away C and I went, swiping left and right like our lives depended on it.
For those who haven’t used Tinder… Tinder is an app that allows you to display photos of yourself. You select an age range and distance (“I’d like to see men ages 29-39 within 30km of me”) and the pictures of the men (or women) within that range display. You swipe the people that you are interested in (read: people you think are hot) to the right and you swipe the people that you are not interested in to the left. If someone you swipe right also swipes you right… suddenly you can text. It’s quick, easy, entertaining and completely superficial.
As the night went on I was amazed by how many matches I had, how many men considered me to be “hot” and how easy it was to strike up a conversation with these random people. But then the questions started to get weird… “Are you looking for a third?”, “What’s with the pictures?”, “You are so hot, does he not satisfy you?”. I realized suddenly that the profile pictures that had been downloaded were those of my sister’s wedding… And that my beautiful sister and her new husband were front and center of most of the photos.
I explained again and again that, no, I was the blonde in the background of the photo and found that, again and again, I was “unmatched”. It was depressing but kind of hilarious. My poor sister probably didn’t want her wonderful wedding photos on what was notorious for being a hook up site and I didn’t want to misrepresent myself. It was also a good introduction to the sexually open nature of Tinder (and, I’m finding, today’s dating world in general). People really put themselves out there. They say “I’m interested in being the third in your marriage” or “I’m looking to cheat on my wife, are you looking to cheat on your husband?”. It shocked me and yet it was also refreshing. People here were honest! I could easily say “no thanks” and they didn’t take offence!
It took a few days to get used to the Tinder thing and to get my profile pictures sorted out. As someone who hasn’t let anyone take her picture for years and years it took some searching to find any (let alone decent) pics of myself. But I got it up and running finally and it became a very entertaining way to pass a boring hour. I’ve even gone on some Tinder-dates (more on that later). All in all, Tinder was the perfect way to dip my toe into the dating world.