Happy Birthday Me! (Ugh. I’m 30.)

I’m not always great at going with the flow.  I like to have a plan.  I like to know what is coming.  I like to anticipate the future.  Anticipation is one of my favourite things.

That probably makes me sound boring and staid: plain yogurt versus all the strawberry ice cream and chocolate cake that is out there.  And maybe I am?  But it’s who I am and I do have fun and spontaneity in me.  It’s just not what I lead with.

This past year has forced me to let go of my plans, to go with the flow.  I’m learning to like it.

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I had a picture of what 30 was going to look like.  The list of things I thought that I needed…

  • Marriage
  • House
  • Kids

My goals weren’t exactly earth shattering things.  They were normal, middle class, suburban goals.  Actually, they weren’t goals.  They were just the way that things were supposed to go.  That’s how life works.  It was a path that was very clearly laid out in front of me and I followed it.

What I want now…

  • Happiness
  • Kids
  • Travel

I know that it’s the least attractive thing that a 30 year old woman can say… but there, I’ve said it.  I want kids.

This doesn’t mean that I’m desperate, in a rush or baby crazed.  I just know what I want.

I want to know that it’s going to happen.  I want guarantees.  Just to know that, yes, I will have kids.  Life doesn’t come with guarantees though.

So I’m 30.  And it looks nothing like I thought it was going to.  And I’m happier than I’ve been in my whole life.

I need to breathe.  Trust.  Let Go.  See what happens.

My 30s are going to be great.  I have lots of time before my ovaries are dried up and useless.  Haha.

Breathe.  Trust.  Let Go.  See what happens.

Happy Birthday to Me.

I’m A Unicorn… Someone Should Totally Capture Me For Study…

I was first introduced to this video this summer, around the campfire, at the lake.  We all crowded around a phone and watched it, laughing hysterically at my redheaded hairdresser cousin (you’ll understand why after watching).  The video is a bit long but if you have 7 minutes to spare… well… you’ll probably laugh.

I love that they start all women out at a four.  😉

Men should also.

My favourite part…

…This is not a static environment.  This is a situation where you have got to use this matrix over time to develop some reliable data […] Because at any moment in time, any woman that you have previously located on this chart can vanish from that location and appear anywhere else on the chart.

I know that I have been all over this scale in the past.  I really do think that I’m reaching the unicorn zone though.  I’m definitely in the date or wife zone at the very least.

Dating is weird.  You have to find someone who fits you.  If you use the hot crazy matrix (haha) you have to find someone who appears in the right zone according to you.  A person that fits in someone’s date zone may be in another’s no go zone, ect.

You can meet hundreds of perfectly nice people.  Who just don’t fit.  And then, suddenly, someone who does.  It’s weird.  Just plain weird.

But I guess that that’s the way it works.

Unicorn, signing off.

The Thing Is? It’s So Not Me.

I bought the most ridiculous dress for New Years.  Red, tight, cut down to there, with a slit up to here… It’s quite the dress.  And I’ve been trying really really hard to like it.

The thing is?  It’s so not me.

The dress is packed in a box and will be on it’s way back to whence it came on Monday.

I have often wanted to be a red dress kind of girl.  The kind of girl whose hair is done perfectly everyday.  Who has make-up that doesn’t smudge.  Who understands what the hell contouring is.  Who gets a monthly mani/pedi instead of a bi-annual one.

I want to turn heads when I walk into a room.

The thing is?  It’s so not me.

No matter how hard I try there is always going to be something amiss with an outfit.  I will have a run in my pantyhose.  The shoes won’t quite match.  The dress will be something from the thrift shop that I adore and my friends can’t quite understand.  My ratty pink purse will be put with it all regardless of whether or not it’s colour coordinated.  I’ll be covered in paint or pen or cat scratches or bruises (and don’t bother asking what they’re from… I have no idea).

I hate doing my hair.  It’s always wet from the shower when I leave the house and is lucky to have seen a brush.  It has never, and will never, see a bottle of dye.

I wear mascara because my eyelashes are too blonde to be seen.  That is… I wear mascara when I remember.  Even then I sometimes get to work and realize that I missed one eye.

I love clothes and I have a ridiculous collection.  They may not be trendy, but I love them and they are mine.  They come as much from the Thrift Shop (and random hand-me-downs) as the mall and I don’t care.  I’ve grown into the fact that I don’t need to be trendy if I love what I’m wearing.

(Go ahead, make fun of my military style jacket: it’s my prized possession).

So the red dress is going back.  I really admire the girl who can wear it – she rocks.

As for me, I’m going to wear my little demure lace dress.  Or the hot pink one.  Or the sweater dress that I teach in.  Or that stripey one that hurts everyone’s eyes.

Whichever I choose though?  I’m wearing these shoes with it.  Because they are my new favourite thing.

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I Want To Marry Michael Rosenberg and Have His Babies…

Okay, not really.  I mean: he’d have to take me out to dinner first or something.  😉

In all seriousness though… I am obsessed with this song and have been for awhile…

Look up a better version if you like, I just think it’s so cool that Michael Rosenberg still busks that I felt the need to post this version.

The reason that I am posting this actually has nothing to do with the talented Mr Rosenberg and everything to do with the fact that this song reminds me so strongly of the lake.

And, though it’s only December, I’m already starting to long for hot summer nights, campfires, (fireball cherries), and midnight swims.

I know that our place isn’t on the sea.  But it is an old house (lmao!!!) and these lines remind me so much of summer with Grandma…

There’s a warm light, on a cold night and clean cotton sheets.

Soap smelling skin and tingling feet.

[…]

My hair will turn golden

And my skin will turn brown.

So no real message or anything today (yahoo!  I’m off my soapbox!).  Just a reminder that in roughly 6 months we will be able to jump into the water and sit on our hillside, far from the madness (or into our own unique version of it anyways).

I can’t wait!

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Savouring the Simple Things…

Okay, I admit it.  I’m addicted to Pinterest.  It’s an issue.  I wake up in the morning and pin for 10 minutes before getting out of bed.  The little scrolling boxes are mesmerizing and I can’t seem to stop watching them.  I consult Pinterest first whenever I have a household question, recipe need, or fashion disaster (what the hell do I wear my new boots with?!).

Mostly, though, I look at the quotes section on Pinterest.  It never fails to inspire me.  Maybe I’m just corny (okay, not maybe, I can admit that I am).  But those little scrolling boxes filled with thoughts and inspiration are kind of irresistible.  A couple of days ago this one in particular really struck a chord…

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The reason that I pinned this was the “Swim in the rain” line.  Because my family, well, we swim in the rain.  Literally.  It’s fun.  But I haven’t been doing enough of it over the past few years.  I’ve grown up too much, get cold too easily, don’t want the bother of wet hair or running make-up (why the hell did I ever start wearing make-up?).  And yet I’ve always found swimming in the rain to be one of life’s greatest pleasures.  Honestly.  I’m a pretty simple gal.

I feel like I didn’t really ask for much out of my life and that it doesn’t take much to make me happy and satisfied.  A friend pointed out that that’s why I ended up where I did – because I wasn’t demanding what I deserved.

So I want more now and I want less:

  • I want to be happy.
  • I want to love and be loved (friends, family, lovers alike).
  • I want to be in the moment and always strive to take the time to swim in the rain, smell the roses, talk to the crows.
  • I want to see more of the world.
  • I want to remember I should be treated as I deserve.
  • I want to treat others as they deserve.

I’m a bit tired this evening so probably this one could be better written.  But I guess what I’m getting at is – remember to swim in the rain.  It’s the perfect season for it.  (Not literally – unless you’re somewhere tropical).

Watch the way the lights on the Christmas tree reflect around the room.  The way your kids light up when they find Elf-On-A-Shelf and his latest antics.  Smile at a stranger when you’re in a long Christmas line.  Have a rum and eggnog on a Tuesday.  Sing along with carols and get sticky building a gingerbread house.

These are the things that actually matter and they are the things that we so often let pass us by.

It’s Really Quite Simple – So Why Do We Make Relationships So Difficult?

We make our relationships, whether romantic, family or friend, complicated.

Why is this?  Why do we worry about the proper number of days to wait to call after a date?  Why do we worry that our best friend is too busy to talk?  Why do we hold back our feelings?  Why don’t we ask questions?  Why don’t we say what it is that we need?

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I was the absolute worst for this.  I would agonize over calling my friends because I didn’t want to seem too needy or annoy them.  I never call family for the same reason – would it be weird to ask to pop by for a visit?  I stopped seeing people because I was embarrassed by my weight.  I wondered why anyone would want to hear from me.  I crawled inside of myself for a long time and was too shy, made myself too small, too invisible, to be a good friend, daughter or sister.

It was so freaking stupid to waste so much time as someone I wasn’t!

And then my life fell apart.  And suddenly all of those people who I hadn’t been making time for, hadn’t felt comfortable leaning on, were there standing solidly by my side.  Every little melt down, every time I needed to talk, to go for coffee, or simply be hugged.  I received daily calls offering support.

I had no choice suddenly but to crawl the rest of the way inside myself or break the walls that I had built.

It made me realize that relationships, of whatever kind, are the most valuable thing that we will ever have.  Friends and family and lovers alike.

I can’t believe how many people have told me that I have changed over the past couple of years.  That I have become more like the woman that they thought I would be rather than the mouse that I had become.

So take a look at the list above.  Are you following it?  If you aren’t, figure out why.

It wasn’t until I started doing these things that I became someone I really liked.

The truth is: relationships are simple.  It’s our own insecurities that make them complicated.

Or maybe that was just me?

It isn’t anymore.

Bah Humbug and Other Holiday Cheer…

This is the first Christmas that I have lived alone.  It is also the first time in my near 30 years (Oh God that 30 year mark is coming up quickly) that I haven’t gone to a Christmas tree farm to select a tree.  I haven’t bought eggnog, or fancy cheeses, or oysters (ew but necessary), or rum.  I haven’t played Christmas carols.  I haven’t put much thought into Christmas gifts, or wrapping paper, or my favourite Christmas movies.

I honestly think that my biggest issue this year is the lack of a visit to the tree farm.  I’m just not sure how else to kick off the season?  And I really don’t want a fake tree.  I’m certainly not sad about living alone, haha!

It’s the first time in my life that I am just over two weeks from Christmas and not feeling the spirit at all.

It’s so silly.  I don’t know why I’ve been struggling so much with getting into the spirit?  I mean, I’m so excited for my sisters visit.  And our New Years plans.  And my birthday (well, I’ll admit to mixed feelings about that one).

Overall though this Christmas is shaping up to be absolutely wonderful.

It’s just that decorating the house, buying the things that make Christmas special, all for one person… It feels kind of self indulgent and silly.

I mean, what’s the point?  I’ve been lazy about it.

But yesterday afternoon my parents came over and brought me this lovely little tree…

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Mom made me go to my storage locker and pull out the boxes of Christmas stuff and we decorated the apartment while Dad read his book.

Then we went to the Legion for a pint.

Sometimes it just takes somebody giving you a push (or shove off the cliff) to snap you out of a bad mindset.

This evening I am reading my book with Christmas carols playing and I’m thinking that tomorrow I’ll stop on my way home from work for eggnog and rum.  Because it’s okay to have eggnog and rum on a Tuesday at this time of year, right?

I love Christmas.