My parents put me into a soccer day camp when I was about 10. It was the worst week of my entire life. I’m fairly certain that it was also the worst week of their lives. I put a lot of effort into making the whole household understand how deeply unhappy I was with the situation. I apologize for that now because they probably really did have the best of intentions and probably weren’t trying to ruin my life. Probably.
(Though, really Mom and Dad? In what world did Megan and Soccer Camp seem like a good idea?!)
I hate exercise.
I mean, I REALLY hate exercise.
I always have.
People say that the trick is to find something that you love and do that. I’ve never found something that I love more than I love laying around and reading.
I love being strong, I love being fit, I hate that I am currently woefully out of shape. I actually find it really embarrassing.
But I really really really hate exercise.
It’s never going to be fun for me.
I like hiking. I love swimming in a lake in the summer. I like paddle boarding and kayaking. But I don’t like the up keep of being in shape.
I also hate allowing other people to see how out of shape or uncoordinated I am. I find it humiliating. Like, soul deep, going to cry hysterically later, humiliating. I can’t seem to get over this no matter how hard I try.
The only reason that I’m writing this right now is that I made a promise to my students recently. My promise was that I would join them for running club which starts in 6 weeks. I’ve started a running program so that I’ll be ready. Only the thought of letting my kids down is getting me to the gym.
I really need to go to the gym right now and go for a run (and also complete a ridiculous number of exercises that my physio has assigned me). But I don’t want to.
Because I hate exercise.
(You might ask, why run then? Why not just walk each day? I do. My body holds onto weight like it’s expecting a famine at any moment. The only way I’ve ever budged pounds, aside from full fasting, is by running. And my jeans are a bit on the tight side at the moment. I need to start running.)
I’d love to get over this. I’d love to be the kind of person who was all like “I have to go to the gym now!” (perky voice) instead of “I have to go to the gym now.” (pray that a bus puts me out of my misery on my way there, k? voice). The fact that I struggle so much with this is one part of myself that I really hate.
I’m a pretty successful person. I’m motivated, I work hard. And yet the one thing that I’ve failed at in my life is the first thing that people see about me. I carry it around on my body, a visible reminder of my failure, a visible sign that I don’t have it all together. It really bothers me and it doesn’t seem to be as simple as just getting off my ass and getting to the gym. I don’t know why.
Anyone else experienced this? Anyone found a way to love their workout?
I’d love some advice.
I have to go to the gym now.
(Maybe I’ll get lucky and get hit by a bus on the way.)
(Maybe I should just horizontal run while watching Pitch Perfect?)