It seems that lately everyone my age I talk to is in the process of buying a house or having a (second) baby. It’s awesome because I can’t wait to hang out at the new homes or hold the new babies. But… It’s leaving me with a rather complex mixture of feelings.
I don’t want to be at that stage of life right now. I like my little apartment, job, friends, my new relationship. I’m in no rush for the rest of these things. But sometimes I wonder if I should be.
Is it strange to be a thirty-year-old woman who is okay with being on her own and not worried about having the rest of the “package”?
Is it okay that I feel like I have time?
It feels sometimes like I’m in this weird little pause between lives. Like my past marriage and life were a dream that I can’t really remember anymore. And my future is this unpainted canvas.
And I’m just sitting here looking at colour options, not all that fussed about filling it up.
It would be nice if someone would come along with a brush and paint on that canvas a guarantee of certain things for my future. Things that I want. Things that I worry I may never have.
Life doesn’t work that way though and I’m coming to the conclusion that I need to be okay with the possibility that I won’t get everything that I want. That if those things don’t happen it’s in my power to fill that canvas with other beautiful things. After all…
My world won’t be over if the canvas doesn’t end up looking the way that I hope it will. It will be up to me to make is just as beautiful, if different. I have the power to do that.
It’s occurring to me that I need to stop thinking of my life right now as somehow less “real” than the lives of friends who are in a different stage. Right now is a moment that I’m getting reacquainted with myself. That I’m building a new future, a more exciting future, a future that I will choose rather than just walk into (as I did in the past).
No one has made me feel like my life is less “real”… It’s just this annoying feeling that has been floating around in my brain when I listen to people making these big and amazing plans for their future. I’ve been having trouble putting this discomfort into words and thought I’d give it a try here.
Ta ta for now folks.