Okay, so if I’m being totally honest and completely over-sharing, last night I had a massive attack of self-loathing. It just happens sometimes.
I know that this is a subject I tend to harp on about. I know that I have professed on this blog that I am going to stop worrying about it, start accepting myself, stop the self-hate.
But it isn’t that simple. A lifetime worth of negative self-talk is difficult to let go of over night and so, while I’m working on my body image,… I’m not there yet. Some improvements that I have made:
- I’ve started to buy clothes in the size that I am not the size that I will be just-as-soon-as-I-lose-15-(20-or-30)-pounds.
- I no longer cry when getting dressed to go out on a date or other, similar, things. I dress up and I even like how I look much of the time.
- I no longer spend money on “the latest” weight fix. I understand that these things don’t work, aren’t healthy and are just feeding my self-hate.
- I am accepting more and more that my weight isn’t all my fault for being lazy (flawed, stupid). It isn’t an excuse but health issues that I have dealt with for the past decade have led to a myriad of medication-related weight issues. I know that my weight always goes up significantly when I am forced onto medications and I hate myself less for not being able to control that.
Things that I haven’t made progress on:
- I frequently feel apologetic for my weight, like those with me are (or should be) embarrassed to be seen with me.
- I honestly feel like I am somehow worth less than those women around me who are thinner.
- I still can’t get rid of any size 8 (or 10 or 12) clothing that I don’t fit. It sits in my closet (mocking me) waiting for me to “get it together”.
Did you know that according to a recent study 60% of adults report feeling ashamed by the way that they look? That one-third of men would give up a year of their life to reach their ideal weight? That 95% of dieters regain the weight that they lost?
I am fully aware that my body image issues currently are stemming from work related stress. See: it takes a large amount of effort for me to stop the negative self-talk that is so automatic for me (“ugh- you look like a whale” is stopped by the thought “no- you are rocking that dress”). The energy that it takes to stop these thoughts that are, for reasons I really can’t identify, automatic, is exhausting. So when I’m already exhausted: I don’t stop these thoughts.
And it takes a few days (or weeks) before I realize that I’ve let myself slip.
Last night I stared in the mirror for an obscene amount of time cataloging my faults. Then I cried. Then I researched diets. Then I went on Pinterest and pinned several things like this…
And suddenly I felt better, I felt lovable, I fell asleep easily.
I’m not perfect. I’m so far from it it scares me.
But I’m doing my best. And feeling okay about that is a journey that I didn’t expect.
Maybe I want to have less sand. But that isn’t who I’m going to be at this point in my life and I don’t need to feel guilty about that.
And if I’m tired and I have the odd meltdown? Well, that’s just life as a human and the insecurities that we all face each and every day.