For years I wanted to be a young Mom. I wanted to have kids in my mid-twenties so that I would be around for a long time to enjoy them. I’d gotten married young, why not do the rest young? It seemed like the ideal situation. Peak fertility, energy for those all-night-feedings (or more than I would have when I was old… like 30), lots of time with my kids and grand kids.
It didn’t happen.
And honestly, though it was really hard at the time, I am grateful that it didn’t happen. My life imploded and I was left able to have a fresh start in a way that would never have been possible had I had children.
Now I’m 30, in a new relationship, in a new life. The thought of children really has been put onto the back burner. It doesn’t keep me up at night, I don’t feel envy or sadness when I see pictures of my friends and their endless pregnancies and babies. I feel happy for them without that echo of deep remorse that comes when you desperately want a baby… and it isn’t coming.
Somewhere in the past year and a half I’ve lost the ache that is a deep desire for children.
It’s nice to be free of that.
That being said… Here’s the harsh reality…
My likelihood of getting pregnant is currently 63% and in the next 4.5 years it will drop to 52%. I’m losing 2% fertility per year! These aren’t comforting statistics!
There are also these articles, all of which beg women of my generation not to make the very choice that I am making…
“Delay having a baby? Make sure you understand the consequences (before it’s too late)” Dr Beth Taylor, Globe and Mail
“NHS chief warns women not to wait until 30…” Stephen Adams, Daily Mail
Shit. 30 seems to be the magical number and I’ve passed it. Looking at my life right now I doubt that I will even start to try for a baby before the age of 35 (another magical number).
I’m waiting and I don’t know that it’s the right choice. But it’s the right choice for me right now.
I feel a lot of guilt about this decision. I feel guilt for not giving my Mom a grand baby to play with. I feel guilt for taking away time that my future children could have with their grandparents. I feel guilt for my future 40-year-old self who I picture reading this article whilst sobbing into an empty bottle of merlot and cursing my 30-year-old self.
I’m a 30-year-old woman with fertility issues and I’m choosing to wait.
It’s really scary. I am scared that that ache for kids will come back one day and I’ll be out of time. I am scared that I will hate myself for not just doing it. I am scared and I just have to trust that I will be able to be at peace, whatever happens.
I got an IUD recently (sorry, tmi) and someone remarked to me: “Wow – it seems silly to put that much effort into not getting pregnant at your age.”
Something that has been really surprising to me about this single-and-30 thing is how many people think that I should just have a baby. On my own. It’s as if all stigma has been erased from single motherhood and now people think it’s a great choice. And it is. I’m just not there. (Yet).
The thing is that I have all the information.
I just don’t know what I can do with it.
It’s easy to tell a woman in my situation to just “do it”.
Reality is a wee bit more difficult.