A question for you…
I haven’t been in the best state of mind for a while now. Work was hard, December was hard, Christmas vacation was great, then I was back to work being hard, a longer commute than I’ve had in a few years and too much time on my own.
I haven’t liked myself very much lately. I’ve been eating like crap, watching too much TV, exercising: not at all. I’ve been stressing about money and wondering how I will pay for all my wonderful summer plans as well as the new roof my building is putting on. I’ve put out an ad for a roommate even though not having one for the month of January has been absolutely freeing. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I hate looking in the mirror.
I’m frustrated and I’m berating myself for not somehow being “better”.
Sometimes it feels like no matter how far we come we aren’t far enough. Sometimes we realize that the one person we’d like to escape (ourselves) is the one person we can’t run away from.
I spilled coffee on myself this morning. Not just on myself… I dumped my cup of coffee onto the leather seat of my car and it puddled under my butt and I drove to work sitting in the warm puddle because I was already running late. My pants were soggy and cold and I smelled like stale coffee all day.
A few years ago this probably would have made me cry. It probably would have ruined my mood for the rest of the day. I would still have been pouting several hours later about how bad my luck had been.
Today I sent J a quick little text and had a giggle about the whole situation. I decided that if I was still feeling gross at lunch I’d go to the mall and pick up a new pair of leggings (I’ve been trying to find time to do this for awhile now).
That’s the difference between who I am now and who I was then.
A few years ago I was constantly stressed. So stressed that the slightest thing out of place had the potential to send me over the edge. I was in constant physical pain. I was deeply unhappy and I wasn’t doing anything about it.
All of that is on me. I didn’t make a change. I couldn’t even see a change.
Right now I can see that I’m in some of the pitfalls that signal my mind isn’t in a great place. I’m obsessing about plans and timelines and budgets. I’m ignoring my body. I’m actively not looking after it.
I’m comparing my life to the lives of those around me and I keep thinking that somehow I’m coming up short. I should have a family, a home, whatever the next “step” is, I should be there.
I’m not seeing that I’m exactly where I should be because it is exactly where I’ve worked to be. I’m not recognizing how far I’ve come. All I can see is how far I have to go.
But at least I recognize that I am struggling. At least I know that I can make a change, make this better.
I’m going to meditate more. Organize my house so that my space (and therefore mind) is less cluttered. I volunteered to help with a kids running program so I’ll be forced off my ass.
There isn’t really a quick fix for where I am currently. But at least I can see a path to a better state.
How do you get out of a funk? How do you recognize that you are in one?