I’m going to start this by saying that I don’t believe in God, I am not a religious person.
But I do believe in the universe. I believe that sometimes the universe sends us messages and that we should listen to them.
My date with Aggressive Guy scared me. It was the universe slapping me in the face and saying “Stop What You Are Doing!!!”.
A few days later I went on a date so filled with crazy I was left speechless. It took a full blown panic attack on the side of road for me to realize that this wasn’t working.
The date filled with crazy was harmless. It was the universe, irritated, flicking me between the eyes as it sighed.
I went home and deleted my dating app (Tinder) and my online profile (OkCupid). I decided to be done. Because I don’t want to be scared of my date. Because I don’t want to meet crazy and have coffee with it.
I simply don’t care that much.
I tend to view online dating in the same way I usually attack a job or task. Logic says “I want to meet someone, get married, have babies” and, like any other thing I have wanted in my life, I take the logical steps towards achieving it. Which was online dating.
My heart though? My heart so isn’t interested in forcing it. My heart isn’t interested in a million messages and likes and dates and swiping right. My heart is tired and will tell me when and if it’s ready to try again.
I’m not closing myself off to anything. I’m still seeing people and I will continue to see people. But. I’m not putting any pressure on myself. I’m going to lean into my current ambivalence towards love and men instead of trying to force something. Instead of attacking dating like a job I am going to sit back. See what the universe is up to.
And if I get to feel safe on all future dates? That’d be pretty good too.