It Scares Me a Little…

The past few weeks of my “Reset” have gone really well.  I’ve been getting enough sleep, working out, eating well.  I haven’t been perfect but perfect isn’t my aim.  I’ve been looking after myself and I feel good about that.

Problem is… My pain is bad lately.

It’s everywhere.  In my head, neck, face, shoulders, arms, elbows, hands.  And it seems that every second day or so it flares up to unbearable.  It makes me grumpy and frustrated.

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It doesn’t help that a loud person recently bought the apartment above me.  She seems to like coming home inebriated at 12, 1, or 2 am and staying up for hours, wandering from room to room.

 

On nights when I don’t get enough sleep my pain is always high the following day.  And that creates a mild panic when I know I’m being kept up.  Which loops around and keeps me from falling asleep.

My doctor has never really come up with a good explanation for my issues with pain.  (My doctor is also completely useless so coming up with a good explanation is probably way beyond his abilities).  It isn’t just migraines.  It is pain in the tissues of my entire upper body.

It’s been a couple of years since I was having frequent bouts of pain that are centered in the tissues and not in the head.  I’m not sure why it is happening now?  I know that stress sets it off and that has been a major problem during the most stressful times in my life.  But.  I’m in a good place.  So.  Why?

It scares me if I’m honest.  It makes me feel trapped within my body.  There is something about pain that makes one feel panicked… Because you cannot escape it.  It’s something inside of you that you cannot claw out.  You have no option but to go through it.

This pain isn’t the end of the world.  It is so much less than the pain that so many people deal with every single day.  But it is a problem and it does have a significant impact on the things that I am able to do.  I know that I need to get lots of sleep, especially when the pain is flaring.  Sometimes I need to be lazy, like: really really lazy.

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The worst part about this is that it’s so difficult to talk about.  I hesitate to post about it because I think it sounds like I’m looking for sympathy or throwing myself a pity party.  I’m not.  This is what it is and in the big picture my pain isn’t the end of the world.  It is something that I need to get better about, something that I need to deal with.

I think we all have these things that we carry around with us.  We get frustrated with that friend who is always late for drinks, or the person who has stopped returning our calls.  We frown over that colleague who never joins in when we go for after work drinks.  It’s important to stop and wonder why.

Sure, some people are simply flaky and we need to love that about them (or cut them from our life).

But I suspect that more often people drop away because they are dealing with something.  Something that maybe they don’t want to talk about.  Or don’t know how to talk about.

I think we all need to cut one another a little slack.  Stop judging and start wondering.  Offer support where we can.  Lean when we need. Assume that most people really are doing the best that they can with what they have to offer the world.

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Bridget Jones’s Baby…

I woke up this morning, a headache pulsing, low and threatening, at the base of my skull.

I had big plans for today involving the beach and a blanket and a bucket of fish and chips.  Instead I ate cold leftover lasagna for breakfast (and then lunch).  I took three baths in my tiny tub.  I had two naps.  Nothing touched the pain.  In fact, it began to build.

I finally got out of bed around 3 pm and decided that I was going to laugh my pain away with a good dose of Bridget Jones.

So I went to the movies.

I have to tell you all:  GO SEE BRIDGET JONES’S BABY!!!

It was so good to catch up with Bridget Jones.  She’s all grown up now and has finally reached her goal weight, but has maintained that quirky gets-nothing-quite-right attitude that made us all fall for her in the first place.

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(Points to anyone who really gets what is going on in this scene…)

There’s a scene at the start of the movie where she dances around her house with a large glass of wine singing all the lyrics to Jump Around that I’m fairly certain any woman living on her own will find very relate-able. (Also I may have caught myself singing along with Lily Allen’s Fuck You when the music abruptly cut off and my voice was, for a brief moment, the only sound in the theater.)  The soundtrack to this movie is absolutely fantastic.

Anyways.  Bridget Jones is having a baby.  She just doesn’t know who the father is.

(Cue lots of jokes about sex and semen and polyamory.)

It was completely charming.  And rather touching.

I liked that we are reunited with the stiff and awkward Mr Darcy who still adores Bridget and still can’t quite acknowledge it.  I fucking love Mr Darcy.  I liked Jack, the new guy on the scene, as the open and loving match who tries to sweep her off her feet.  I’m not going to spoil the ending and tell you who the father is, k?

It’s fun to find out.

I kind of wished that I’d brought my notebook to take down quotes as the movie went on but I’m sure that we’ll see lots of lines from the movie in our Pinterest quote feeds soon.  I did break out my pen and jot this one down though…

Sometimes you love a person for all the reasons they’re not like you.  Sometimes you love a person just because they feel like home.   – Bridget Jones

This seems to be a constant refrain for me here.  Looking for a love that feels like home.  For someone who fits in that way.  For someone who wants to have me (and keep me).

It takes a long time and lots of effort to know whether or not you want a person enough to keep them.  There’s always a risk.

It takes Bridget Jones until 43 to find home.

In conclusion?  I’m in my jammies now and the pain has migrated to the front of my face and filled the tissues of my upper back and shoulders.  Tonight is gonna suck.  But at least I got to see BJ’s Baby?!

This song is dedicated to my head:

(Warning, do not play with children in the room.)

“You’re Like Home To Me…”

Did anyone else fall hard into the Carly and Evan romance this season of Bachelor in Paradise?  I did.  I couldn’t help it.  I like Carly.  Her commentary on all situations in the house is so funny, sometimes I fast forward through the episodes just to listen to her sum things up.

Evan, on the other hand, is a bit of an odd one to place.  He’s just so… geeky.  Nothing like the other men that tend to be on the show.

(Don’t get me wrong, geeks are totally my thing.  Guys, if I ever call you a “geek”, it probably means that I’m in love with you and want to get in your pants.)

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As one of my friends summed up Carly and Evan’s relationship: “They’re two charmless people who are somehow charming together”.  While I’m not sure that they are entirely charmless on their own (see comments above re: geeks) they certainly are better together.

And I’m not even gonna lie guys.  I may have shed a tear or two watching their final scene together.  How pathetic am I?

Listen, I know that these shows are total and complete bullshit.  But they are such well done bullshit.  I have them on in the background while I cook, or write, or dust.

(Totally kidding. I never dust).

I enjoy watching these shows.  And I do think that we can take some gems from them once in a while.  Carly and Evan are one of those gems.

I don’t believe in happily ever after.  But I really hope that Carly and Evan end up finding it.

Their relationship followed a different arc than most on the show.  Remember a few weeks back when Carly was all “Ew, Evan, ew” and then threw up after their kiss?  Remember when she suddenly realized that, through their friendship, he had gotten under her skin?  Remember when she realized that they were going to be great?

Their relationship probably started in the best way that a relationship can.  Friendship, getting to know one another, before you start looking forward to all that the future might bring.   Slow, steady and then all at once.  Or slow and steady followed by more slow and steady.  Carly and Evan were a little bit odd.  But I got them and I think that, probably, lots of viewers did.  Their oddness didn’t matter.  Because it worked for them.

Each relationship in our life is and should be unique unto itself.  It doesn’t matter what it is “supposed” to look like.  It matters what works for the two people in that relationship.

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Carly said: “Evan makes me feel like I can be any way I am.  Look any way I am. … He makes me feel so beautiful.  Like, inside and outside.  I’ve never felt like that.”

She told Evan: “You’re like home to me…”

Isn’t that how we all want to feel if and when we find a partner?

(I need to stop watching the Bachelor.  

Wait.  

Nick Viall is the next Bachelor.  

Yeah.  I’m so keeping my cable to watch that go down.)

Reset…

September is a reset moment for me each year.   Far more-so than January my year starts and ends each labour day weekend.  It is something that is programmed in from our school days.  September was new clothing, fresh pencils, empty workbooks.  September was the start of the year you were going to be cooler, smarter, get your homework done on time.

Of course this is never how it goes.  We are who we are and all the new clothing and pencils in the world cannot change us at our core.  But we make small improvements each year if we are lucky.  We grow.  We move forward.

I have had a wonderful summer.  I swam in lakes and oceans and rivers.  I saw places I have never been.  I stared out at scenery and marveled at how big and beautiful this world can be.  I day drank in Ikea and laughed until my stomach hurt.  I spent hours in cars with my sister and soaked up her company.  I floated in my parents pool where we spent too many hours chatting.  I enriched friendships with shared experiences.  I followed my heart when logic just wouldn’t do.

But as of this weekend things reset for me.  It is a return to routine, a return to my days having a rhythm.  It’s the start of a new year and all that that entails.  So what do I want for this next 12 months?  I want to settle.

  • I want to get up and go to bed at the same time each night.  I want to start my days rested and ready.
  • I want to cook good food and take the time to enjoy the process.
  • I want to come home in the evenings and read a book in my hammock.
  • … Or lay on the couch and laugh at a stupid TV show, head in a lovers lap.
  • I want to go to the gym at the same times each week and get to know the people around me.
  • I want to sing.
  • I want to drink less and hike more.
  • I want to take my Grandma for coffee each month and treasure her company.
  • I want to ground myself in nature.
  • I want to meditate.
  • I want to worry less about where my life is headed and just enjoy the everyday.

I have some major changes coming up.  I am moving home for several months and will live with my parents for the first time in a long time.  I am working at a new place.  Many would classify my Love Life an utter disaster.  (It isn’t).

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It’s like that first day back to school, crisp new backpack, a carefully considered outfit, newly sharpened pencils in a bright pink case.  I can’t escape who I am and I wouldn’t want to.  But I’d like to settle into her a bit better these next 12 months.  Forgive her her imperfections.  Cherish her.

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This past year I often haven’t felt like a good daughter, friend, granddaughter, sister.  I have been racing from one thing to the next.  I have been disconnected from myself and those around me.  I have let heartache eat away at me.  I have put my energies into the wrong people and places.

I have been resetting that this summer.  I have been trying to be better and truer to myself.  I haven’t been perfect.  I have done my best.

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So I’m going to focus on myself this year.  The people who are meant to be in my life will benefit from this.  The people who aren’t?  They’ll be fine too.

My goals are tiny.  Manageable.  Some might say boring.

They’re me.  They’re the me that I want to get back to.

So.  Reset.