Yesterday A and I were out and about. It started with a lazy morning (for me: he went grocery shopping and to the gym before I’d even crawled out of bed…). I drank too much tea, talked to my sister, read a book. Stayed in my jammies until noon. Was made a breakfast of bacon, kale fried in bacon (yay, we had veggies!), and pancakes.
Early afternoon we headed to White Rock. We were going to a cafe, for a walk. A lazy day in the sun.
It devolved into a shopping trip. I needed sunglasses. And a new outfit. Poor A. He was a total trooper.
(Particularly when I decided to change into my new clothing in the car and I was wearing just a t-shirt and thong in the passenger seat. He maneuvered through traffic as I struggled to pull up, and do up, a pair of tight new blue jeans without jostling the stick shift.)
The plan was to go to the beach for a walk in the beautiful sunshine.
Turns out we had different ideas of what that plan would look like.
See, A thought that we would park at the top of White Rock and walk down.
I thought that that sounded like the worst idea in the history of the world and I was wearing a new outfit and did he think that I wanted to get all sweaty and gross and if he saw how out of shape I was he would definitely stop loving me. And I would really prefer it if he didn’t stop loving me Thank You Very Much.
The result was that we went to the beach. In a car. On the first really beautiful day of the year.
Oh, did I mention that yesterday was a holiday in BC?
30 minutes later we were still crawling along the waterfront, no parking spots in sight, no way out. A was feeling grumpy. I was doing the nervous babbling that I do when men get grumpy.
(I should pause here and mention that A’s version of grumpy is almost unrecognizable unless you know him. He just gets quiet. He continues to be his usual patient and kind self. Just quieter with occasional proclamations about all the things he’d rather be doing than driving at that very moment.)
We finally made it off the strip, parked up by my apartment building and wandered the neighbourhood. We found a new brewery bar that we got pretty excited about and chatted with the owner. We wandered around until his grumpiness, and my nervousness, had faded.
I explained how anxious I was about having to walk up a giant hill with him. About the extent to which it filled me with dread. Even trying to explain I could feel the tears just under the surface, the humiliation and shame about my body. The panic that that humiliation and shame leads to.
Yesterday I revealed a few things about myself:
- If I say I hate my outfit when we leave the house in the morning there’s a good chance that I’ll suggest a quick stop at the sales racks…
- When I know someone is grumpy I get nervous and giggly and rambly – no matter how much I trust that that person is going to remain kind and good. I’m working on it. (Pretty sure he’s known this one for a long time actually.)
- My issues with my body go far beyond just not liking the way that it looks. I have a dread of the way that it functions. It’s an issue that is going to take a long time to work through.
I learned a lot about him through this experience too. But that’s mine to keep.
We went to dinner at a friends, met some new people. Had interesting conversation with great food and wine. Stopped on the way home to buy a bag of candy to go with a final beer.
Yesterday was a good day. A day of learning and a day of laughter and a day of fun. The type of day that leaves one smiling and hopeful, whatever the struggles you may have.
I hope your family day was as well spent my friends.