It Scares Me a Little…

The past few weeks of my “Reset” have gone really well.  I’ve been getting enough sleep, working out, eating well.  I haven’t been perfect but perfect isn’t my aim.  I’ve been looking after myself and I feel good about that.

Problem is… My pain is bad lately.

It’s everywhere.  In my head, neck, face, shoulders, arms, elbows, hands.  And it seems that every second day or so it flares up to unbearable.  It makes me grumpy and frustrated.

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It doesn’t help that a loud person recently bought the apartment above me.  She seems to like coming home inebriated at 12, 1, or 2 am and staying up for hours, wandering from room to room.

 

On nights when I don’t get enough sleep my pain is always high the following day.  And that creates a mild panic when I know I’m being kept up.  Which loops around and keeps me from falling asleep.

My doctor has never really come up with a good explanation for my issues with pain.  (My doctor is also completely useless so coming up with a good explanation is probably way beyond his abilities).  It isn’t just migraines.  It is pain in the tissues of my entire upper body.

It’s been a couple of years since I was having frequent bouts of pain that are centered in the tissues and not in the head.  I’m not sure why it is happening now?  I know that stress sets it off and that has been a major problem during the most stressful times in my life.  But.  I’m in a good place.  So.  Why?

It scares me if I’m honest.  It makes me feel trapped within my body.  There is something about pain that makes one feel panicked… Because you cannot escape it.  It’s something inside of you that you cannot claw out.  You have no option but to go through it.

This pain isn’t the end of the world.  It is so much less than the pain that so many people deal with every single day.  But it is a problem and it does have a significant impact on the things that I am able to do.  I know that I need to get lots of sleep, especially when the pain is flaring.  Sometimes I need to be lazy, like: really really lazy.

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The worst part about this is that it’s so difficult to talk about.  I hesitate to post about it because I think it sounds like I’m looking for sympathy or throwing myself a pity party.  I’m not.  This is what it is and in the big picture my pain isn’t the end of the world.  It is something that I need to get better about, something that I need to deal with.

I think we all have these things that we carry around with us.  We get frustrated with that friend who is always late for drinks, or the person who has stopped returning our calls.  We frown over that colleague who never joins in when we go for after work drinks.  It’s important to stop and wonder why.

Sure, some people are simply flaky and we need to love that about them (or cut them from our life).

But I suspect that more often people drop away because they are dealing with something.  Something that maybe they don’t want to talk about.  Or don’t know how to talk about.

I think we all need to cut one another a little slack.  Stop judging and start wondering.  Offer support where we can.  Lean when we need. Assume that most people really are doing the best that they can with what they have to offer the world.

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A Melon Baller Removing My Eyeballs Really Appeals Right About Now…

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I remember my first really bad headache clearly.

(Well, maybe it wasn’t the first, but it’s the first that I remember so… same difference really.)

I was probably about 6 or 7 and I remember feeling strange during PE.  Suddenly the room was a lot brighter then it had been just moments before.  A few minutes after everything got really bright my head started to pound.  It was as if my brain was swollen and pressing against my skull.  It was as if the lights had turned up several notches and then begun stabbing me through the eyeballs.

(In my memory this happens in the middle of a Lord Of The Flies style game of dodgeball and I end up on the ground being hits by millions of brightly coloured “soft” balls… but I’m almost positive that that’s just my over-active imagination.)

Anyways, swollen-brains and stabby-eyeballs, are how my headaches have been ever since.

I can always tell when I’m in danger of one of these lovely headaches.

This morning I woke up and I just knew that before the day was out I was going to experience some serious pain.  Sure enough, by about 12:30 the lights had turned up and by about 1:00 my brain was swollen and the lights were stabbing me through the eyeballs.

I managed to finish work and drive myself home and then I crawled into bed.

And then I crawled out of bed and into the tub (filled with roughly 75 million pounds of epsom salts and boiling hot water) because bed wasn’t helping.

And then I slathered myself with a ton of Young Living Essential Oils because my friend swears by them and they cure everything… right?

(I’ve been watching American Horror Story Coven of late and in a recent episode one character uses a melon baller to remove the eyes of another character.  This scene appealed to me today and played over and over in my head.)

Somehow, between the bed, bath and oils, my head came down to a reasonable level and I was able to get up and make myself a healthy dinner.  Then lay on the couch and stare at paint colours for an obscene amount of time trying to figure out what to have my place painted.

I hate these headaches.  Hate them.  They remind me that I am limited.  That I need to sleep 8+ hours each night or I will end up in pain.  That I can’t trust my body to just function, on the most basic of levels, day in and day out.  They make me want to use a melon baller to remove my eyeballs for goodness sake and I really do prefer eyesight to being blind.  (I think.  I’ve never been blind so I don’t really know this for sure.)

Days like this I am glad I don’t have kids.  Sort of.  Actually not really.  But…

(“Mommy’s just going to go into the other room and die now darlings.  Disturb her only if you want to die too.  Okay?”)

So my sympathies to all my fellow migraine sufferers out there.  The melon baller is really our only option.

Also… I was joking about the melon baller.

(Sort of.)